My “extreme” activities in this case are: quitting smoking, alcohol, TV and movies, no illicit sex, no loose association, no porn in the internet (or porn period), worshiping God’s deity everyday, chanting on japa beads fourteen rounds a day. I don’t blame her, these things really look weird to a lot of people. A lot of times, she told me that I was loosing my mind.
In a letter she left, she told me, she’s sick with my lifestyle, my spiritual life in other words. She wanted the old Jimple back.
But she didn’t know what the old Jimple was.
I was kinda expecting this to happen. A few days from last night, she set up different beds for us, a few more days from that she wasn’t on a talking basis with me, meaning she answered me with complete silence whenever I ask her or tell her something...a few more days or maybe months from that she had loosely thrown at me insults and tiger-looks. And if we regress more from this instance, beyond the time I decided to try for the second time to practice this kind of “life”, it would be hideous.
Although I have not cheated on her physically, I cheated on her repeatedly in my mind, I had associated with people whom she’ll not be very happy to find out. I was slowly being consumed by my old lusts...I don’t know how long I could hold myself back. And I was wallowing in my frustration. I want to do it just to find out how it would feel, but then I knew I won’t be happy afterwards. I’ve had my share of women, and the experience was great the few hours before, during and after the activity. “I may sleep with all the women in the world but it won’t make me happy” this thought never occurs to me though, while I’m feverish with desire. It would only come after I came and guilt settles in. I’ve had an empty and lonely life.
Sometimes I would fight the urge to watch porn and touch myself or something, but I still end up doing it. Sometimes I think that maybe don’t love my wife anymore for doing this. But this has nothing to do with love. No matter how we sugar-coat it sex is sex and lovemaking is just icing on the same stale cake. Defeat after defeat, I began losing respect with myself. I don’t know who I am anymore.
These are the things that came to me when on the phone my wife asked me to be my old self. I thought I’d rather just disappear. A life of lust and fear, that was the old Jimple. I am dragged like a mule by my senses, and it’s not okay. I look okay to people, nice job, great achievements, popular, but I felt like Lucky.
And this was not the first. When we were still an unmarried couple, she also pulled an act like this. She broke up with me the first time I practiced this lifestyle. When I took up smoking and drinking again, we were back fine.
It’s not her fault. My wife is not perfect but she’s a good person. And most of all, I love her. Though I wish everything will be easy, and she wishes everything would be smoother if I like find myself a person who can stand up with my lifestyle, I won’t buy that. She’s the only wife I’m going to have, though I won’t be too arrogant to dictate this destiny. But I don’t need to bother with another person. All I can do is pray, that my wife hopefully receive a certain mercy from Krishna, from God, that would give her vision of what I’m really trying to do. This is not some spiritual acrobatics which I am doing for my false ego’s whim. This is real. This is how I believe man should live, if he wants to sincerely develop a relationship with God. And this is what I want. I want the best thing in life. And that is God. If God is not real, then I have not lost anything— hell wouldn’t be so different than a place without God.
My wife has certain issues about my wanting to love God. She is anxious that if my heart is filled with Krishna, that it won’t have a place for her. Her thinking kinda reminded me of this popular belief that in order to love God we have to love our selves first or the extensions of our selves, namely, family, friends, neighbor. If that is true then, most people should have been God-lovers by now. No, love God first, that was what Jesus said, “my first and foremost commandment is that you love God with all your heart, with all your mind, and all your being and like unto it love others”.
Boiling it down, I look at this as a chance to surrender to God. I can’t control certain things in my life, much less my wife. This is the point where I say: Bahala ka na Krishna. I am nothing. Protect me.
Haribol!
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